AuDHD: When Change Is The Only Constant, How do you move forward?
I've been coming to grips with this over the last year and it's been a rollercoaster
The sun is shining and summer is upon us! I, for one, love the sun and spending more time grounding outdoors.
The beginning of the summer holidays; and even the shift in weather; means having to adapt to a new routine and a new way of living for a few weeks.
It's something I didn't really think much about until this year, well, at least from a zoomed-out perspective. This time last year I was 3 and a half years deep, still waiting for the autistic diagnosis process, and I was still energetically recovering from the move the previous year; which, truth be told, in many ways I still am.
I began the autistic diagnosis process in August, after a 3 and a half year wait; the day before my birthday. I reluctantly accepted the date, as I didn't want to end up having to wait even longer - but had I known just how much it was going to challenge me, maybe I would have asked for a new one... maybe.
After receiving diagnosis of autism or ADHD, it's not uncommon for the challenges of these aspects to rise to the surface after receiving what can feel like affirmation that you're finally allowed to exhale into who you are after a lifetime of holding it all together.
When I started in counselling in January, having landed a wonderful counsellor who, though not autistic or ADHD herself, was incredibly neuro-affirming. She held space for all of the pain I was carrying and also created an environment where I was able to share and work through some of the hardest traumas I have expereinced but not felt safe to really work through and address so far. At the same time, she was able to be the person who believed in me unwaveringly. She supported me in moving through continuing to make progress and moves in my business despite years of what has felt like failure; being unheard and unseen.
It takes an indomitable level of strength and courage to keep showing up and believing in yourself when you're met with failure after failure and to keep going regardless - I can tell you that much.
Committing to myself as an autistic person and being autistic parent in the last has meant noticing where I am abandoning myself in the hope of connection and being liked and doing my best to work out how I can change those things to make sure I am taking the very best care of myself. Children do what we do, not what we say. So it has been really, viscerally important that I can model for my daughter what I want for her.
It's not been easy.
Not only am I a single parent, but having also lost my parents to pretty tragic circumstances and having had to become estranged from family, I am already living a life where I have been under-supported.
Hyper-independence became a safety mechanism and whilst I am immensely grateful for all of the ways I've supported myself thus far, post-diagnosis, it's come screaming at me just how challenging it is to be doing everything alone.
I also couldn't unsee or unfeel where I had thought I was being supported and seen for me, and I was actually being encouraged and supported to be and stay hyper-independent.
I was holding myself in and up in spaces where I needed to be able to soften, exhale and unmask and so I found myself on the road on my own again - not everyone can meet you where you are and that hurts, because sometimes those kinds of losses and separations are more painful - when you leave a situation because it was awful, it feels justified - if you leave because you know you need more, it feels like you're casting a betrayal (Ahhh trauma). For me, to be understood, or having the desire to understand me is very important and no longer negotiable. Choosing to not see my being autistic causes me harm and though I've tolerated it for nearly 38 years, it's no longer something I will live with.
Ultimately, it is fair to no-one to stay in places where you no longer fit - because it creates resentment on all sides, so when you start choosing you, you really are being kinder to others.
When you choose you, when you choose to be selfish, you are choosing the greater good.
I write this as if I'm at peace with it. I'm not. I'm still working through so much grief around this, but I'm also incredibly proud of myself for the levels of courage to honour who I am.
More than average, due to not having my parents and to being autistic and ADHD, I really have to honour my need for comfort, being valued and celebrated - especially when I am progressing, or trying, in the areas that are difficult for me - and I've come to learn post-diagnosis that I simply can't afford to skimp on my personal values if I'm to thrive and in turn for my daughter too as well.
It's been really heavy and quite painful work at times as I hold myself more and more with greater compassion at the same time as widening my capacity to be able to ask for help and support. Quite the paradox. But when it's not been safe to be your full self and ask for what you need, this is what the dance looks like.
Gnarly, yes, but impossible? Absolutely not.
I've had to become my biggest cheerleader, comfort and motivator and even as a work in progress, and it is quickly becoming my most valuable skill. True self love, like confidence is not something you have, it's something you cultivate through practice; and doing what you can to meet yourself with compassion, love and encouragement especially when it feels hard to do so - because that's when you need it the most.
And yet, it's not coming easy and I am finding it a particularly solitary pursuit for now.
Self care, wellbeing, 'healing journeys' are often sold as end points - if you do this, it's all going to be awesome and you're going to 'arrive' - when in reality, it's because that sells; an end point is the ultimate fallacy.
It's where I even find myself challenged to sell in my own business - because I don't want to tell you that if you do my work then it'll fix everything - because that's an impossibility. I can give you tools, skills and lessons that, if practised with patience, will benefit you greatly and support you in amazing ways in this journey of life; but I can't guarantee anything, no one can.
As we've reached summer holidays, I feel more prepared than I have in the last few years because I've spent the last few years analysing my experience; what works and what doesn't; what I need and how I can meet those needs (especially when I have to meet them myself when support isn't accessible) and what has went really wrong.
I've been learning how to create a pause between what I'm experiencing and the thoughts that arise with them, so I can find a solution that allows me to stay calm and avoid a spiral or meltdown as much as I can and finding the ways to make that work.
Yes, my brain is doing that near constantly and yes, it does get tiring.
With that in mind, coming into the holidays where I have Ruby all the time, my routines and ways of being need to shift and hold that change.
From my personal experience; I can't speak for everyone autistic; but being autistic for me means - transitions are fucking hard, no matter how prepared I am, so I need to be gentle with myself so I can ensure I'm being gentle with Ruby too!
It took me a long time to recognise this because I've spent so much time immersed in spaces and places where people felt it was more beneficial to 'not see autism'.
I'm only really now able to start working through this and it's really challenging me, especially as it's left me feeling a little like there isn't a place I belong yet.
It means stripping back my to-do list, my usual activities; definitely how much I'm showing up online and in business; whilst also making sure I'm not completely negating what I need to retain my internal balance - like using my 'voice' through creation, moving my body and journalling.
Even now I find myself telling myself I'm being selfish for these things and I have to be so intentional with making sure I am scheduling these things in to take care of myself - my way round it is to do shorter versions of these things - and to make more space for really dialled-in present time with Ruby, more open space where nothing is planned to allow for adventure and pleasant surprises.
My 'me time' things have changed to include pottering in the garden and learning, slowly, how to garden (though it's not really moved from conceptualising yet; and that's ok!) and also returning to learning Portuguese and French - so I can get them down well enough that I can learn a few more languages in a couple of years.
By moving in these fresh hobbies, I've had the pleasure of seeing that outside of my routines and beliefs there is so much option and variety for how to do life. Often, when I'm experiencing the most overwhelm and distress, finding something that sparks joy and creates even the smallest level of expansion is enough to create a shift for me, even if it only lasts for a short time.
And still, the transition has slammed me. I'm feeling disregulated and out of sorts after an out-of-the-blue curve ball swung my way on the last day of term and because my counselling has ended - dealt with it largely myself - because the greatest limiting factor I have currently with regards health and wellbeing is lack of close social interaction and secure connections. So my movement, breathwork, EFT and my hobbies and spending time with Ruby is moving me through.
Starting small and being patient with myself.
If you don't like what you're doing, how you're living, how you're feeling - you can make a change, I believe in you - even the teeniest, tiniest shift can make the world of difference because it opens you up to seeing differently - but for some, it may be harder than others.
In fact, the smaller the shift you can start, the more you can practice being ultra-present to that shift and the more benefit you can potentially reap.
Can you take 3 deep breaths first thing when you wake up in the morning and then thank yourself for doing so?
Can you take a water bottle with you as you move through your day and set an alarm each hour to make sure you've at least taken a sip?
Could you take 5 minutes to sit or take a walk outside and just check in with how you're really feeling without trying to change it?
One is enough, small is enough.
When I was a personal trainer, it was often guiding a slight shift of the foot position, or adaption that unlocked more than the client could believe - because we've learned that overhauls and quick fixes are sexy as fuck - but when you change everything, it's unsustainable and you have no idea what it was that worked - so it feels like you need to do everything, all the time.
So, if change is the only constant, could you potentially make peace with change if you cultivated the habit of making the absolute smallest change whenever you spotted a direction you wanted to move in?
If you missed out on ​Plan. Shop. Prep: Food Planning for AuDHD Entrepreneurs​, no worries! It has now been uploaded and updated, complete with 3 journal workbooks to support you with your planning and you can get it ​here!​
Thank you!
Amanda Jayne
You can explore more of my work here
​Plan. Shop. Prep: Food Planning Skills for AuDHD Entrepreneurs ​
​Nourishment: Food, Exercise, and Lifestyle Planning for AuDHD Entrepreneurs​
​Free Mini Course to Overcome Fitness New Years Resolution Overwhelm​
​2025 Goals Bingo Free Downloadable​
​Fitness, Nutrition and Lifestyle For Better Sleep​
​Recommended Reading List​
​90-Day Morning and Evening Guided Journal Download​
​90-Day Morning and Evening Guided Journal Amazon ​(sun)
​90-Day Morning and Evening Guided Journal Amazon ​(plants)
​90-Day Morning and Evening Guided Journal Amazon ​(Ducks)
​Amanda Jayne Thrives Buy Me A Coffee​